"what do you eat every day" asks the doctor,
"well" says the monster
"for breakfast i have a brown snooker ball, and for lunch i have a black a pink and two yellows, i have a white for my tea in the afternoon, and then 5 reds before i go to bed"
"i know why you are not feeling well" exclaims the doctor "you are not getting enough greens"
[Edited by mkeywood, 7/19/2010 7:00:32 AM]
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Here's a good one.
Three men were stranded on an island of cannibals and were captured by the locals.
The chieftain told them (In surprisingly good English no less) that to survive, they would have to pass three tests and then be indoctrinated into the tribe, otherwise they would be boiled in the village's giant iron cauldron and eaten.
The first test was to drink three large stone cups of the village's most potent liquor, the second test was to pull a sore tooth from the village's angry tiger pet, and the final test was to claim a village virgin for his bride to become fully indoctrinated into the tribe.
The first man barely let the liquor touch his tongue before he passed out. He was stripped and thrown into the cauldron whole, boiling alive.
The second man drank three cups but was quite visibly drunk. He was guided, hobbling, to the large hut where the tiger was kept, and tossed inside rather unceremoniously. Sounds of screaming and tearing flesh permeated the air in the village before the villagers went in and hauled out the rather thoroughly minced and mauled remains of the man.
The third man drank three cups easily and asked for several more before the tribe cut him off and ushered him into the hut where the tiger was kept.
For a few moments there was silence, then roaring and snarling and a struggle was heard from within, followed by a deep purr.
The man emerged, lightly scratched but no worse for wear and yelled "Aye, now where's the bonny wee lass with the sore tooth?"
I choked on my drink when I heard this
So if they make a stuff-up nobody knows who it was.
Bob, robert and john are trapped on a cannibal island.
The cannibals tell them if they pass the great test they can leave the island, but if they fail they'll get eaten.
The test is that they have to find two fruits and then return for further instructions. So Bob comes back with 2 apples. They tell him "If you can shove those up your butt without flinching, we'll let you go."
Bob screws up and they eat him.
Rob comes back with two grapes, and before he even get's the grape close he bursts into laughter. They eat him.
In heaven Bob asks "What was so funny?"
Robert replies "I saw John on the way to the camp with two pineapples."
[Edited by Rise_Against, 7/28/2010 2:19:19 PM]
The man said,"Waiter,Theres a bee in my alphabet soup".
The waiter said,"Yes sir and i'm sure theres an A and a C also".
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