General Discussions

It's a little bit trendy to stab your childhood friend Christmas in the back as you grow older with claims of hatred. Hopefully I can wash all that grinch away with some perspective, for your enjoyment, The ten most depressing people to have spent Christmas with.

10. Joanna Newsom

Who’s up for knitting some quirky sweaters? Who’s up for playing a mediocre game of charades? Who’s up for dressing up in a badger costume? That’s right, you’re in for one overrated, out of date Christmas, my friend.

9. The Vicar of Dibley

There she is, being all matronly and splashing lots of wine in her glass and eating a great big fudge cake because it’s just so “wickedly tempting” and there you are, having to pretend that her ****ing shtick doesn’t get really boring after about 15 seconds. Oh, you’re a fun food-loving vicar, are you? Oh, Christmas is about presents and stuffed turkey, is it? Listen Dibley, cut the crap and lecture me about Jesus and the Virgin Mary. I had to listen to you gnawing on an old turkey carcass last night and I need some spiritual healing.


8. Michael Owen

You’re a football fan and you get an invite to the Owen house for Christmas. You think to yourself: fantastic, I’m going to hang out with one-time England goal machine Michael Owen. He can’t really play football anymore but I bet he’s got some good stories about Alan Shearer and larking around with the lads. Then you get there and you have to spend the day with a dead-eyed gambling addict who won’t shut up about all the horses he owns and insists on cooking the turkey on a barbecue on the patio under his outdoor heater.

7. Robbie Williams

Even knowing who he is is depressing. Imagine having to spend the festive season with him, in his cavernous LA mansion peppered with photos of his ****. Maybe he could invite his old lover Geri Halliwell round and all the depression on earth would be sucked into their black hole of seasonal self-hatred, so that while you listened to them cry about the nineties, everyone else on earth would find true happiness.

6. Jews for Jesus

Well, hey, we don’t celebrate Christmas per se. I mean – it’s not like we’re doing what all the other Christians are doing. We’re not Christians. But neither are we hanging on for Hanukkah like all those square Hebrews. What we’re really doing is celebrating the birthday of a really great guy. This guy is – why beat around the bush – this guy is the Messiah. And while we won’t be eating a big meal, giving presents or any of that kind of thing, we will raise a lovely big glass of squash to our main man Jesus and say: “Good for you big J, good for you.”

5. Woolworths

The most depressing thing about spending this Christmas with a Woolworths would be that you would spend ages trying to find one and then, if you did find one, you wouldn’t be able to shop in it. On top of that, you’d have to listen to it weeping as it told you about all the great and varied things people used to buy in it only one year ago, and how it never really minded when people stole pick ’n’ mix at Christmas time.

4. Bob Geldof

Bob, could you just stop asking me if “they” know it’s Christmas time? I’ve been on the internet recently and it turns out that Christianity is quite a big deal in most of that continent, which means that they cottoned on to the whole “birth of Christ” thing a while ago. Just because it’s hot and you found some kids with flies on their faces doesn’t mean they don’t know about Christmas.

3. People who love sunshine

You know what’s really great? Spending Christmas in Australia. Did you know it’s summertime down there? Unbelievable. It’s a whole other world. I mean, you eat your turkey and then, get this (it’ll blow your mind), you run out on to the beach and you have a bloody great sun-drenched, water-filled life loving surf. I ****ing know. It’s insane.

Actually, do you know what’s not really great? DOING THAT. Christmas isn’t about being comfortable, getting a tan and going to the beach. It’s about sitting inside while it refuses to snow but at the same time remains quite brisk. In the New Year you can **** off to Club Med or wherever it is you like to jet ski, but until then, shut up, go back to Bradford, and remain mildly but not excessively cold for a few days.

2. Marilyn Manson

I once read an article about a guy who actually did spend Christmas with the God of Goth. When he got there, Marilyn was on his own doing drugs and watching horror films. Just imagine him trying to think of ways he could defile the season without getting off the sofa.


1. Your local vicar

Most people only go to church on Christmas day and so vicars and priests up and down the country decide that they will spend that very day berating their audience for not coming more often. Way to enthuse the flock, chaps. Once they’ve done that it’s on to a nice long lecture about the true significance of Christmas (Jesus = born) and the spiritual rottenness of the money-loving, toy-orientated culture we live in. Then they pass around the donation hat while making whimpering noises about needing a bigger altar and how much God loves gold and grandeur.


Hope you all had a lovely Christmas.
Go and hug your parents in celebration for barely evading mention.
Love from Dancer x

I did have a nice X-mas, hope you did to and thanks for this entertaining piece.

I also find it irritating when the Christians try to stuff the "reason for the season" down your throat when we stole this from the Pagan's anyway.

I'd love to spend Christmas with Brian Warner aka Marilyn Manson.

Yeah but, that's because you're a goth.

Not pure goth. I'm too much of a mix to fit in properly with goths.

Gothic, yes. Goth, not so much.

The days when I thought Michael Owen was god I've heard he's a proper *******!
I don't think Christmas would be so depressing now with Robbie Williams of Marilyn Manson.

God my christmas day was better than my Gran's do..Why?

1. we don't geet on with aunties and cousins who were there.
2. we had to WALK up in heavy snow with a buggy..
3. Mum/mom made us stay intil eight at night, we went to gran's at two..
4. My cousin ate all the food We could have before we arrived.
5. watching COD: MW 2 Is so boring..
6. Sitting litsening to women *****ing about schools, kids, ect is boring if you don't have kids.
7. I was told when I was bored I could go, but wasn't allowed too.
I started to complain, I AM NOW made to appolize to everyone.

My mum may enjoy *****ing with her sisters and mother, I don't like *****ing. My 15 year old cousin and 12 year old weren't there because they didn't want to go...

I am 21 and was MADE to go by my mother and she told me when I am boreed you can go home with your brother..I was bored in about four hours and my brother didn't TAKE me home...
I start complaining of bordom, everyone then starts to leave.
And when I got home my mother turns to me and says..

" YOU owe everyone an apploize"

I can't help if I am bored( I have Autism) so she can forget the appoizes...

I feel better now...

I completley agree with the Local Vicar part.. its the same in all the continents I guess...


The people in the Sunshine part for people like me...--- There really isn't anything else to do as
a)I'm just gonna get something like a week of Holidays.. Not good for people like me who would rather take a VERY long break or none at all(just sit @ home and relax).....

b) the Beach is the next Best thing to do anyday.... Specially when the Beach is just a 15 minute Drive...(That tooo its the Best Beach in the State )

c) you could basically go to a Beach then walk dowwn the Sandy shores to a Friends' place.. And when you get Bored go on back to the Beach....

d) There's practically no winter here.. Just Summer classified into two--- ad that is


1) The HOT summer (where you would rather sit in the House with the AC or the fan on- and going outside is Practically Torture)


2)The milder summer --- (Where going outside is Possible without being BURNT to a Crisp, but then its the season of Holidays coz of Festivals like Christmas, Diwali, Eid etc....
Specially all religious Festivities are actively participated by people of all religions...
(For example-- Nearly all the Hindu Temples have atleast Stars put up and in my Own Neighbourhood I see many Hindu's and Muslims that have put up more Christmas Decorations as compared to the Chirstians(who for some reasons are the stingiest of the Lot in the state..)

Anyways as my point-- NO SNOW.... Its Bright and Sunny outside... The Perfect setting for a Day @ the Beach...


e) The Beaach happens to be a General start up Point for all the Friends to meet up....


And all this leads to the Fact that you cannot blame Australians at all for going to the Beach during the Christmas season, Because they (Like me) experience a completely different weather as compared to you guys and cannot help it...