Hello Cheat Happens
posted 8/17/2012 12:17:47 AM
It's been what, a year since I last visited regularly? Holy ****. That's a long time. I think it's about time for an update on my life, but take heed, a fairly long read is ahead of you, and it may take up a few extra comments in order to get all of my thoughts out in the open.
Where to start? I think for any of this to make sense, I'll need to explain my childhood. Here goes. It was hard. Hellish, one might say. At the age of four, my parents decided it was time to split up. Recently, I found a home video of my second birthday. My mother and father placed the cake in front of me, and along with two of my father's work friends, sang me happy birthday, and my mother helped me blow out the candles. My father cracked open a beer, and he and his friends, right after the candles were blown out, walked off camera, talking amongst themselves, leaving my mother the only patron to my birthday. The video ends with my mother looking towards where my father walked off with a look of loathing on her face, and she got up and turned off the camera.
Roughly two years later, I was woken up by my mother, who told me to pack some clothes, and that we were going to her friend's house for awhile, until my mother could find a new home for her and I. Little did I know what was going on. I vaguely remember being rushed towards the car, while my father yelled drunken obscenities at my mother. We didn't speak the entire 45 minute drive to her friend's house, and immediately upon arrival I was sent to play with her daughter. It took me about six months to piece together that my parents had split, and there was nothing I could do to get them back together. At some point during these six months, I attempted suicide twice, so as to attempt to bring my parents back together. My mother sent me to a shrink, and I had no idea why he was trying to talk to me about my parents and my feelings, so I would just goof off and play around in his office. Looking back that was a waste of money on mother's part.
So, the memories of the first six years (that I can remember) of my life are of me being constantly alone, in the basement, with my toys and movies. Sheltered from the outside world. All I could hear from upstairs was constant arguing and raised voices. Even after they split, and the subsequent move, the only thing that improved from this was that I was actually allowed to play outside, and I took to learning to ride a bicycle and ride around the neighborhood. We spent almost a year at the new house. I only saw my father every other weekend, which really ****ed me up. I now have "daddy issues". I'm always jealous of my friend's and their relationships with their fathers. No matter how bad they may be, at least they have a father to confide in.
At a really early age, I was constantly thinking of the afterlife, especially after attempting suicide, and the thoughts that crossed my mind still haunt me to this day. I was never really big into religion, although my mother basically forced me into behaving like I was, and eventually (in my early teens) I tried convincing myself that I was as into it as I "should" have been. I was constantly berated by anxiety. The kind of anxiety you would expect from somebody much older, who had gone through something traumatic, and still it hits me sometimes.
At the age of seven, my mother was posted (she and my father were both in the military) to Petawawa, Ontario, and it was really hard for me to get used to the idea of moving. I kept contributing it to the fact that I'd miss my friends, but looking back I didn't really care much for these friends, and I think it was the idea that I wouldn't be able to see my father, and that we'd be almost an entire country away from one another.
The first year in Petawawa was interesting. I remember my first day at the new school. I only knew the two or three children I had met in August at a summer camp my mother enrolled me in, two of which I had not gotten along with (ie. we were inflicting physical harm upon one another). The one that I had gotten along with was in my class, but had moved away shortly after. I was never really accepted by my peers. They deemed me strange and unapproachable, and this carried on for the following five years, until I moved again. The only friends that I had were much younger than I, as I hadn't quite psychologically developed as far as those my age had, at that point.
To cope with the constant outcasting, for lack of a better term, I dove headfirst into video games, and was lost within. I learned basic problem solving through video games. I learned basic trial and error through video games. I was socially inept by the age of 10, which is when I discovered Cheat Happens.
While being a social outcast in the real world, I would "kid out" on the forums here, as it was the only place that would "accept" me for who I was. And by accept, I mean it was the only place that would allow me to be myself without any real life consequences. Check out my older posts if you want an idea of what I mean. It's all since been deleted, but I remember when I first arrived I would spam up the Halo 2 boards in the same manner you would expect somebody now to be posting in the OTD.
I moved to where I am now back in 2006. I made friends so easily, but there were still those who deemed me unworthy of their presence, and weren't the kind to hold back their hatred. There were many fights that I got myself into, many of which ended in shed blood, but never any consequences worse than a detention or two. Because of my years as an outcast, at this new school I relied on social dominance, and subconsciously tricked myself into believing that I was the "king of the playground" so to speak. I thought I was really popular here at Cheat Happens, and treated it as if it actually mattered. This need for social acceptance prevailed over the realistic need for education, and my marks were never up to par. They were never as good as they could have been.